I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
