I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
