I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
