oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
