why im i the only drunk person in the library?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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