She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Bring me that man meat
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
