I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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