I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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