If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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