Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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