Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
17 year olds will be the death of me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The Olympian is in my bed
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