Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
