im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
