Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
