OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
