i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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