I think scott just propositioned me for sex
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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