I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
