The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Randomize
