there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
