I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
