I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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