even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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