Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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