Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
