Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
