I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
