My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
