dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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