New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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