my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
