I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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