the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
COCAINE IS GR8
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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