do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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