I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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