if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
