How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
