As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
