I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
