I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
