I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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