Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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