Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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