none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
