john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
