seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
