So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
