So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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