I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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