I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
