Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it's like iHOP with fire
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
