Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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