FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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